Why do we rely on the Funeral Home to organize a Memorial when you can have a DYI one at home?

While many people opt for a memorial at a traditional funeral home, frankly I’ve been there and they are one flavor, one size fits all cookie cutter memorials. As a Licensed Funeral Director who has worked at a busy funeral home, I am here to tell you firsthand that funeral homes specialize in traditional funerals, not beespoke memorials. Also, funeral homes profit from traditional services in their facility, so they are likely not going to suggest or help you plan a memorial at an outside location.

While a traditional memorial suits some people, it’s not your only option. And the truth is, you don’t need a funeral director to plan it. Remember funeral directors went to Mortuary School, where the focus is on embalming and biology, not event planning.

At RIPPLE, we encourage families to think beyond the funeral home's options. When my father passed away, the funeral home organized his cremation but none of their memorial options felt right.

Instead of a generic service, we held an intimate gathering at my childhood home, a place where my Dad lived and loved for most of his life. In fact it was so different from what the funeral home offered and it was so healing, it was what inspired me to become a funeral director.

It's one of our missions at RIPPLE to help families create meaningful events in many locations. And I love sharing my ideas and what I’ve learned.

Following are tips for arranging a DIY Memorial at home.

Invitations: Send with start/end times and RSVP so you can get a head count for the food. The end time is important because you may still have limited energy. Canva.com offers customizable templates that can be emailed. You can still send out the invitations even if the memorial is well in advance. Here are some Virtual Assistants who can help make the invitation. (Fiverr Freelance Services) Why do I suggest sending out the invite early even if the memorial is a month or more away? First of all, you want to make sure your immediate friends and family are available and coordinating that is difficult at times, so picking a date in the future can help people plan. Also, when there is a loss, people often ask you “When is the funeral?” They are asking how they can both show their respect and acknowledge the passing. By sending out the invitations, people know there is a time and place where they will see you and show their respect. And the plus side for you is they will stop getting texts and emails asking if there is an event.

Photo Montage: Request on the invitation for people to send you photos for a slideshow. Include an email where they can send them to you or the email for the person putting the slide show together. Ripple can connect you with freelancers who can edit a photo montage. Check in advance that a laptop can connect to the TV at the location, especially because sometimes older people have old equipment. If a TV isn’t an option, you can have it streaming on a laptop on a table at the event and people can sit and watch on their own time frame.

Celebrant or Clergy: You may not know this but a celebrant or clergy can come to the home to lead the service. At my Dad’s memorial we had the Rabbi who had married me and did my sons’ baby namings. More spiritual than religious, his words helped ground everyone which worked perfectly combined with the casual setting at home. He knew my Dad, and having the Rabbi there really added to the service and set the tone. You might not think Clergy will come to the house, you just have to ask. I paid an honorarium (the term used when paying Clergy) and also paid for a car service to take him from NYC to NJ, where the memorial was held. It was a bit costly, but it was totally worth it. I organized a funeral in someone's home with the body present once and a Deacon came to do the service in the living room. Reach out to u an we will share our list of clergy and recommended celebrants.

Food and Drink: As a starting point, I like to ask “what was _____ favorite food or drink?” For my Dad’s, we had a platter of McDonald’s hamburgers. Now I am not a big McDonald’s fan but my Dad was - and he justified eating at McDonald’s as he was a long time share holder. It was a personal touch and a nod to him.

You can cover tables in craft paper and have markers on hand for people to write their favorite quotes or stories about your person, which are especially meaningful for young children to have later. (Craft Paper and Markers on Amazon)

Have a wireless microphone. Passing one around can encourage participation. (Microphone)

Service and Clean Up: Think about hiring someone to help out with cleanup and or someone to bartend. Sometimes I suggest (if there was one), asking the deceased’s cleaning person. They probably know your family and the house, and also might appreciate being involved. Plus they are just out of a job and may need the money.

Catering: I suggest ordering catering from a local market, deli or restaurant. A tip is to ask for a “shiva platter” which is a fancy name for platters with bagels and lox and dessert.. It’s a Jewish tradition but an option for all denominations. It’s easy to order, and the place will know what it is for. When I picked up the shiva platters at Barney Greengrass on my way to my father’s memorial, I knew the staff and their kindness and respect meant so much to me and really was part of my healing that day.

Clothing: I wore one of my favorite dresses to my father’s memorial. A Tory Burch burnt orange dress I had bought at a fancy store and wore all the time. Needless to say I couldn’t tell you where it is now, and I never wore it again as it will always be “The dress I wore to my father’s memorial”. If you think that might be you or if you need clothes for other family members one option is to rent them. (Rent the Runway)

And lastly: Do what feels right to you and have a memorial that's true to your person and to you. Grief can be isolating and it’s comforting to know that you are not alone. Try to be open to listening to others stories about your person. You may not realize it but it might be your last chance to see some of these people, since some were more connected to the deceased than they may be to you. So take advantage and listen to the stories they have to tell.

You might be surprised at the comfort you gain from speaking to others and an at home memorial allows for personal conversations to occur. For example, one of my strongest memories from my Father’s memorial was when I was speaking to my Uncle, and I said “I did everything I could” (to keep him alive) . I was surprised when he told me something I hadn’t known, he said “Your father never would have wanted to live that way.” I didn’t know that. “All those walks after Thanksgiving, that’s what we talked about”, my Uncle shared. It took me out of my grief for a moment and made me feel better. My takeaway:, you may learn things in a casual setting that a more formal ceremony might not invite.